The meaningless feeling still troubles me~
Learning#
English#
- Reviewing vocabulary. Read a short news article every day. Planning to take the IELTS exam in half a year?
Technology#
- Rust. Became more familiar with various features, no longer need to look them up. Started to understand some more in-depth concepts, such as things related to lifetimes.
- Problem-solving. Finished the daily problem.
- Open-source projects. None. I will keep this paragraph until I am capable of making contributions to open-source projects.
Work#
- I really don't want to work anymore.
Life#
- Got injured during exercise, sigh. Why is my life always full of accidents? I just want to live a peaceful and ordinary life.
- History: None.
- Recreation: Finished watching BEEF. Watched two UEFA Champions League matches. Can't play games anymore.
- Action practice: None. Read some blogs sporadically, but couldn't get motivated. I feel like these trivial issues have no value until the truly important problems are solved.
- Investment: None.
Some Thoughts#
During this period, I have been thinking about what this job has brought me, and it seems like there is nothing besides income. I have always agreed with the idea that to live, one needs to be self-consistent without any loss. So I am trying to analyze the source of my current pain.
Is it because of low income? Poor material life? Lack of a sense of achievement? High pressure?
It seems like it, but not entirely. This job hasn't given me enough sense of achievement; there is no one to hand over the things that need to be learned quickly, it's a mess, and there is also a sense of urgency. But to be honest, the colleagues and leaders are very nice, and the working atmosphere is not bad. The income is also slightly higher than the average person of the same age. So what am I anxious about and suffering from?
After thinking about it, it may be dissatisfaction with the lack of possibilities for the future.
In a large company, especially in Chinese companies, climbing the ladder, job hopping, salary increases, buying a house, getting married or not, having children or not, switching to another big company or starting a business. While climbing this path, there is very little personal time and vacation. This path may allow me to earn a house or its equivalent in cash when I am in my thirties, and then what?
After working for nearly two years, I have bought all the electronic products that I couldn't afford before due to poverty, and even have a lot of redundancy. This means that I may not have a large order worth thousands of dollars for several years to come. The money I have saved, without considering interest and illness, is enough for me to live comfortably for nine years. Do I really need to spend so much time climbing the ladder within a large company? I know that accumulating some money, like a few million, during this process can make life more comfortable in the future, and even be able to live on passive income. But is the value of a year in my twenties the same as a year in my thirties? I mean, I still regret some choices I made in high school because I cared too much about so-called learning and college entrance exams, which were not important on the long-term path of life, or I should say they didn't have a high cost-effectiveness. I can guarantee that it would be more cost-effective to spend a lot of time surfing the internet aimlessly and happen to know some trends and realities to help make professional choices, rather than spending that time on a major that I didn't like, consumed a lot of time and energy, and was not easy to find a job in mainland China.
Am I facing the same situation now? Have I put too much time and energy into climbing the ladder within a large company or between companies, neglecting the external paths that are more likely to bring happiness/freedom? I mean, I am already very depressed now, and my spirit has resisted work, so considering these things may not be groundless worries.
First of all, I don't dislike programming, and I even enjoy studying technology. What I dislike is endless repetition, meetings, and rushing to go live.
So for me, would it be a better choice to cut losses in time, switch jobs, or even take a pay cut to join a company with shorter working hours? Or even quit my job and focus on studying at home, devoting myself full-time to the open-source community? Is this a one-way road from a large company to the outside? I'm not sure.
I still need more precipitation and contemplation, and seize better opportunities decisively when they come.
I am too restless. I envy people with clear goals.
A person who knows why they live can endure any kind of life.
I don't know.
MORE#
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